More Than Just Tea

It’s hard to believe that summer is over – at least practically speaking. Today is the first day of school for Memphis Shelby County School students. For some of our subscribers in other parts of the country, an August 3^rd start seems insane, but it has become the norm where many lack summer childcare for their children, and the scourge of dismal literacy and math proficiency scores benefits from the early start.

We have written before about the often chaotic lives of some of the ladies we have served over the years. Of course, finances are a struggle. Transportation to and from work and the grocery store is often a challenge. Gunshots, gang activity, and run-of-the-mill theft are commonplace. There are appliances that don’t work, or that never existed. Electricity is turned off because of unpayable bills created by sieve-like housing allowing the cold air to pass through.

Often the start of school is a blessing for mothers and children. It is a place that, despite all of the children and activities, brings temporary peace and stability to the lives of children. There is an assurance of a meal, often lunch and breakfast. There is structure and order in most cases – a time to learn, to play, to go to the restroom, and to be quiet. Yes, there are stories of out-of-control classrooms, disruptive students, and even teachers who perhaps should consider another profession, but more often than not, the school day is consistent and reliable.

Many years ago, we learned at My Cup of Tea the importance of things like order, safety, and peace. In fact, in the hierarchy of needs, there are times when these attributes of work at The House outrank wages. Many of the ladies have told us that they want to stay because of the environment, not the pay or the work they do. We pay a fair wage but can only offer part-time work without benefits. Given the choice between a full-time opportunity and staying with us, most have chosen us.

If you follow our work, you know we are implementing a pilot program to help new recruits learn employable skills and seek full-time jobs. It is available for our legacy workers, too. Even though the ladies pursuing this path will not spend years with us, this model must also be fashioned with order, safety, and peace. These are the coveted fringe benefits for ladies whose lives are often unpredictable and chaotic.

Debbie, our long-time operations manager, often paraphrases I Corinthians 14:33 by saying, “My God is not a god of chaos. He is a God of order.” One visit to The House demonstrates that she lives by that mantra. Every room is organized and neat. Each room has a specified activity to be performed by the ladies in that room. The materials are present and easily accessible. There is a daily schedule. It is the one place, the one portion of the day, that the ladies know what to expect, and what is expected of them.

The word peace, depending on which translation of Scripture you read, is mentioned 249 (NIV) to 429 (KJV) times. Descriptions of God often include the word peace, as in II Thessalonians 3:16, “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.” And, if you believe that we are made in His image (Genesis 1:27), then it is no wonder that we yearn for peace in our lives.

Each of us desires peace in our daily lives at some level. We are rattled by strings of bad news, the chaos of world events, or the health crisis of a loved one, for example. Yet, most of us never worry if there will be enough to eat, if the utilities will be turned off, or if we will be injured or worse by a stray bullet crashing through the window in the middle of the night. For most of the ladies at My Cup of Tea and the majority of children in the Memphis Shelby County School system, these products of chaos are present weekly or even daily.

We cannot solve these issues on a city-wide or even neighborhood-wide basis. We can do our part. We can pray for peace, order, and safety for the children and families whose lives are devoid of these assets. With your continued support, we can provide a few seats at a time for Orange Mound women to experience it in their daily lives.

In Orange Mound, this query is never tabled because family is always one’s responsibility.   Suddenly, everyone is family when a desperate emergency presses in.  To suggest there are professionals who can help alleviate or even navigate through a portion of the storm often goes unacknowledged.  The universal reaction is shock, and the look of disdain and unbelief is searing. “Family comes first and my foremost focus” is said by each but more simply and forcefully.

 Monthly, I interview the ladies to check into the pulse and flow of their personal space.  As we rocked on the front porch on a cool morning in June, I tossed in a bright, lilting question: “What’s on your bucket list?”   I gave an example, confiding my own, and defined what a bucket list might include.  With each, a slow smile gradually formed, eyes closed, and a request to pause was required to reflect.  One said she had never considered such a dream. One said she would like to see a beach and walk in the sand.  “See a mountain range” was first on Deborah’s list. “Ride a train to New Orleans,” considered another, who is expecting her first baby without the support of the baby’s father.”  Fatigue is a fact of life here.  Relentless exhaustion drains dreams and shrinks their spirits. None chose a luxury cruise or skydiving.

My July interviews were impossible to schedule due to so many absences and late call-ins. July is a slower month in sales, and fortunately, business was not crimped, allowing Debbie and the managers to keep the flow. All orders were punctually filled. The House felt achingly empty and strangely cheerless, though.

Last week, I was brought into the circle of trust. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and there is more as the facts of the dilemmas are still developing.

One of the ladies is homeless after a court order overruled her possession of the family home, giving the deed to her brother, and all the contents of her home were scattered on the curb. One was bitten by her brother’s pit bull and had a massive infection.

           The Shelby County General Sessions Court imposed sanctions for garnishment of another’s wages for a $15,000 debt from 2022. She is expecting a baby soon and has felony charges, which preempt full-time employment job opportunities beyond My Cup of Tea. Another has been parenting her adult twins, each of whom has morally rebelled. One twin has required hospitalization, and the other more punitive disciplines.

            Another has had to commit her mother to a special care facility and is unable to learn her diagnosis and prognosis. Another has had to commit a loved one to an out-of-town long-term facility for rehabilitation. One has the permanent but unofficial care of her deceased daughter’s five children. There are more, including one who has unofficial stewardship and total care of a brother who has special needs, and she has no assistance from other siblings.     There are others.

Each is her brother’s keeper, and a bucket list is an absurd thought unless it provides an escape from the harsh reality of the present. I have erased the elusive lists slipped into buckets and replaced them with lists for rest and quiet from the rough currents in their lives. Perhaps mini-breaks are best when one is sharing and caring for her many brothers, sisters, cousins, and aunts, including absent fathers and neighbors who keep knocking on the double-bolted storm door.

Better are suggestions for a cup, not a bucket, which might include:

·         Space and time to sit alone on a park bench with a book that brings laughter.

·         A day without decision-making.

·         A meal at a restaurant with a linen tablecloth and a waiter.

·         Pretty shoes that fit and don’t rub my blisters.

·         A hand massage.

·         A conversation with someone who listens.

·         A comfort dog for a day.

·         A car that requires no maintenance for a month.

·         A night in a hotel away from the family.

·         A scented candle, popcorn, and a happy-ending movie on the TV.

·         A single comfortable outfit that flatters.

·         Sixty minutes on a church pew where I feel seen.

These precious women are the keepers of many and the emancipators of few. The tyranny of the urgent needs around them exhausts peace, time, and energy.  As soon as possible, they return to us. All have embraced the kind fellowship within our walls at 3028 Carnes and the prayer and support we offer at My Cup of Tea. The combination anchors the ladies in the firm foundation of faith and hope. Abundantly, it is available to keep them grounded through the storms all encounter quite regularly. 

Daily, all look to the clouds and await the return of our Savior, who will heal every disease and dry every tear.

Someday, skydiving shall seem simple, smooth, and supremely silly, no stress, no sweat, and there will be buckets filled with dreams come true.

Over the weekend, multiple fights in downtown Memphis were documented by amateur videographers with mobile phones, who then posted their recordings to social media. While videos like these rarely tell the entire story, they provide varying angles and perspectives that allow law enforcement and us to piece together the events.

These altercations precipitated foot chases by police and members of the National Guard, who have been essentially camped out in downtown Memphis since October of last year as a part of the Memphis Safe Task Force. In one tragic incident on Sunday morning, a 20-year-old man allegedly pointed a weapon at pursuing guardsmen, who then opened fire and killed the suspect. The shooting is being investigated by the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation at the request of District Attorney General Steve Mulroy, which is protocol in an officer-involved shooting.

While crime in Memphis is down over 40% compared to the same point last year, volatile and violent events are still commonplace. This latest incident compelled a teacher on Facebook to conclude, after watching numerous videos of the fights, that these occurrences are rooted in trauma. After fifteen years of serving women in Orange Mound, our experience leads us to believe this teacher may be correct.

We have talked about the trauma virtually every woman we have served has experienced in her life. The traumas are not all the same types of incidents, and not everyone responds to traumas in the same. However, anger and violence, like we regularly see in Memphis, are not uncommon responses for people impacted by traumatic events. It is essential to say that trauma is not an excuse, but it is a reason.

Studies show that Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is more common among residents of high-crime neighborhoods than among veterans of the twenty-year Afghanistan War. While most crime victims do not become perpetrators themselves, most perpetrators have been victims of crime.

What is also true is that, according to The University of Memphis, “Memphis Poverty Fact Sheet,” the percentage of children under the age of 18 living in poverty is 32.7%. The Annie E. Casey Foundation’s Kids Count Data Center shows that there is a high concentration of children living in poverty who are also living in high-crime neighborhoods.

Science tells us that 90-95 percent of a child’s brain development happens between the ages of birth and 5 years old. A study conducted in Shelby County more than a decade ago through phone interviews with adults from all walks of life concluded that more than half had experienced an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) as defined by the Centers for Disease Control. More than 1 out of every 5 had experienced 3 or more.

In short, generation after generation of Memphians is growing up impacted by severe trauma and lacking the resources to cope and heal.

Scripture and prayer are keys to helping the ladies at My Cup of Tea heal from their traumas, but so are counseling and exercises like the Kintsugi activity about which we have posted and written. Equally important, we’ve learned, are grace, patience, and time.

Trauma can happen in an instant with a single event or be compounded by exposure after exposure, but healing is never quick, no matter how sudden the trauma may have been. Many of the foundations and organizations from which we seek financial support ask for a timeline for the completion of our “project” and for measurable outcomes. Most require reports or updates of some kind at six-month or one-year intervals. Accountability is important, especially when these organizations are striving to be good stewards of the funds allocated for charitable work, but healing cannot be rushed and is often built on second and third chances, exasperation, and despair.

Addressing individual trauma in either a direct or ancillary manner was never on our “Bingo card” when we began this work in Orange Mound. We wanted to provide a job, a steady income, and an opportunity to build cross-cultural relationships. Perhaps we were naïve to think that wading into another’s “muck” would not be a part of this ministry. Wading into the “muck” is critical because it affects a person’s ability to care for themselves and others, hold on to a job, and aspire to something better than what she has always known.

Honestly, not one of us is “muck-less,” and yet Scripture tells us God is gracious (Romans 3: 23-24), merciful (Lamentations 3:22), and patient (2 Peter 3:9). So, as God provides, and through your support, we will continue to do our small part to heal our community’s trauma.