More Than Just Tea

In Orange Mound, this query is never tabled because family is always one’s responsibility.   Suddenly, everyone is family when a desperate emergency presses in.  To suggest there are professionals who can help alleviate or even navigate through a portion of the storm often goes unacknowledged.  The universal reaction is shock, and the look of disdain and unbelief is searing. “Family comes first and my foremost focus” is said by each but more simply and forcefully.

 Monthly, I interview the ladies to check into the pulse and flow of their personal space.  As we rocked on the front porch on a cool morning in June, I tossed in a bright, lilting question: “What’s on your bucket list?”   I gave an example, confiding my own, and defined what a bucket list might include.  With each, a slow smile gradually formed, eyes closed, and a request to pause was required to reflect.  One said she had never considered such a dream. One said she would like to see a beach and walk in the sand.  “See a mountain range” was first on Deborah’s list. “Ride a train to New Orleans,” considered another, who is expecting her first baby without the support of the baby’s father.”  Fatigue is a fact of life here.  Relentless exhaustion drains dreams and shrinks their spirits. None chose a luxury cruise or skydiving.

My July interviews were impossible to schedule due to so many absences and late call-ins. July is a slower month in sales, and fortunately, business was not crimped, allowing Debbie and the managers to keep the flow. All orders were punctually filled. The House felt achingly empty and strangely cheerless, though.

Last week, I was brought into the circle of trust. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and there is more as the facts of the dilemmas are still developing.

One of the ladies is homeless after a court order overruled her possession of the family home, giving the deed to her brother, and all the contents of her home were scattered on the curb. One was bitten by her brother’s pit bull and had a massive infection.

           The Shelby County General Sessions Court imposed sanctions for garnishment of another’s wages for a $15,000 debt from 2022. She is expecting a baby soon and has felony charges, which preempt full-time employment job opportunities beyond My Cup of Tea. Another has been parenting her adult twins, each of whom has morally rebelled. One twin has required hospitalization, and the other more punitive disciplines.

            Another has had to commit her mother to a special care facility and is unable to learn her diagnosis and prognosis. Another has had to commit a loved one to an out-of-town long-term facility for rehabilitation. One has the permanent but unofficial care of her deceased daughter’s five children. There are more, including one who has unofficial stewardship and total care of a brother who has special needs, and she has no assistance from other siblings.     There are others.

Each is her brother’s keeper, and a bucket list is an absurd thought unless it provides an escape from the harsh reality of the present. I have erased the elusive lists slipped into buckets and replaced them with lists for rest and quiet from the rough currents in their lives. Perhaps mini-breaks are best when one is sharing and caring for her many brothers, sisters, cousins, and aunts, including absent fathers and neighbors who keep knocking on the double-bolted storm door.

Better are suggestions for a cup, not a bucket, which might include:

·         Space and time to sit alone on a park bench with a book that brings laughter.

·         A day without decision-making.

·         A meal at a restaurant with a linen tablecloth and a waiter.

·         Pretty shoes that fit and don’t rub my blisters.

·         A hand massage.

·         A conversation with someone who listens.

·         A comfort dog for a day.

·         A car that requires no maintenance for a month.

·         A night in a hotel away from the family.

·         A scented candle, popcorn, and a happy-ending movie on the TV.

·         A single comfortable outfit that flatters.

·         Sixty minutes on a church pew where I feel seen.

These precious women are the keepers of many and the emancipators of few. The tyranny of the urgent needs around them exhausts peace, time, and energy.  As soon as possible, they return to us. All have embraced the kind fellowship within our walls at 3028 Carnes and the prayer and support we offer at My Cup of Tea. The combination anchors the ladies in the firm foundation of faith and hope. Abundantly, it is available to keep them grounded through the storms all encounter quite regularly. 

Daily, all look to the clouds and await the return of our Savior, who will heal every disease and dry every tear.

Someday, skydiving shall seem simple, smooth, and supremely silly, no stress, no sweat, and there will be buckets filled with dreams come true.

Over the weekend, multiple fights in downtown Memphis were documented by amateur videographers with mobile phones, who then posted their recordings to social media. While videos like these rarely tell the entire story, they provide varying angles and perspectives that allow law enforcement and us to piece together the events.

These altercations precipitated foot chases by police and members of the National Guard, who have been essentially camped out in downtown Memphis since October of last year as a part of the Memphis Safe Task Force. In one tragic incident on Sunday morning, a 20-year-old man allegedly pointed a weapon at pursuing guardsmen, who then opened fire and killed the suspect. The shooting is being investigated by the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation at the request of District Attorney General Steve Mulroy, which is protocol in an officer-involved shooting.

While crime in Memphis is down over 40% compared to the same point last year, volatile and violent events are still commonplace. This latest incident compelled a teacher on Facebook to conclude, after watching numerous videos of the fights, that these occurrences are rooted in trauma. After fifteen years of serving women in Orange Mound, our experience leads us to believe this teacher may be correct.

We have talked about the trauma virtually every woman we have served has experienced in her life. The traumas are not all the same types of incidents, and not everyone responds to traumas in the same. However, anger and violence, like we regularly see in Memphis, are not uncommon responses for people impacted by traumatic events. It is essential to say that trauma is not an excuse, but it is a reason.

Studies show that Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is more common among residents of high-crime neighborhoods than among veterans of the twenty-year Afghanistan War. While most crime victims do not become perpetrators themselves, most perpetrators have been victims of crime.

What is also true is that, according to The University of Memphis, “Memphis Poverty Fact Sheet,” the percentage of children under the age of 18 living in poverty is 32.7%. The Annie E. Casey Foundation’s Kids Count Data Center shows that there is a high concentration of children living in poverty who are also living in high-crime neighborhoods.

Science tells us that 90-95 percent of a child’s brain development happens between the ages of birth and 5 years old. A study conducted in Shelby County more than a decade ago through phone interviews with adults from all walks of life concluded that more than half had experienced an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) as defined by the Centers for Disease Control. More than 1 out of every 5 had experienced 3 or more.

In short, generation after generation of Memphians is growing up impacted by severe trauma and lacking the resources to cope and heal.

Scripture and prayer are keys to helping the ladies at My Cup of Tea heal from their traumas, but so are counseling and exercises like the Kintsugi activity about which we have posted and written. Equally important, we’ve learned, are grace, patience, and time.

Trauma can happen in an instant with a single event or be compounded by exposure after exposure, but healing is never quick, no matter how sudden the trauma may have been. Many of the foundations and organizations from which we seek financial support ask for a timeline for the completion of our “project” and for measurable outcomes. Most require reports or updates of some kind at six-month or one-year intervals. Accountability is important, especially when these organizations are striving to be good stewards of the funds allocated for charitable work, but healing cannot be rushed and is often built on second and third chances, exasperation, and despair.

Addressing individual trauma in either a direct or ancillary manner was never on our “Bingo card” when we began this work in Orange Mound. We wanted to provide a job, a steady income, and an opportunity to build cross-cultural relationships. Perhaps we were naïve to think that wading into another’s “muck” would not be a part of this ministry. Wading into the “muck” is critical because it affects a person’s ability to care for themselves and others, hold on to a job, and aspire to something better than what she has always known.

Honestly, not one of us is “muck-less,” and yet Scripture tells us God is gracious (Romans 3: 23-24), merciful (Lamentations 3:22), and patient (2 Peter 3:9). So, as God provides, and through your support, we will continue to do our small part to heal our community’s trauma.

On the calendar, we are sandwiched between Father’s Day and the 250th anniversary of the founding of our nation. We recently celebrated the men who assumed the roles of family leaders, protectors, providers, and caretakers, whether they are related by biology. Soon, we will further laud the men who shouldered those responsibilities for our nation – our Founding Fathers.

The term “Founding Fathers” was coined by Warren G. Harding in a speech to the Republican National Convention in 1916. Harding later used the term in a speech in 1921 and became the first President to refer to the men who led the establishment of America as “Founding Fathers.” Since then, the title has become an indelible part of the nation’s vocabulary.

There is much debate among historians and scholars about which men of the era qualify as Founding Fathers, not to mention the omission of women who were instrumental in forming the republic. One name that earns universal agreement of inclusion in that austere list is George Washington – General of the Continental Army, presiding officer of the Second Continental Congress, and the first President of the United States.

Washington is the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time, to quote the kids) of the Founding Fathers. Yet, ironically, Washington had no biological children of his own.

When Washington met and married Martha Dandridge Custis, the eventual First Lady, she was a widow with two children. Martha had been married to Daniel Parke Custis, a wealthy and politically connected Virginia plantation owner. Daniel Parke Custis was 37 years old when he met 16-year-old Martha Dandridge. They married when Martha was 18 and had four children; two died very young.

The law of the day required Washington to become the legal guardian of Martha’s minor children John “Jacky” Custis and Martha “Patsy” Custis. The law, however, did not, nor could it, dictate the kind of stepfather Washington should be.

Historians agree that Washington doted on his stepdaughter Patsy, who began showing signs of epilepsy at age 6. He personally sought out remedies and medical care for Patsy and attended to all her needs until she died at age 17.

His relationship with Jacky was more strained. Jacky has been described as lazy, lacking in a desire to learn, and indulged by his mother. Washington sent him to boarding school and later arranged for him to attend King's College, now Columbia University. Jacky eventually dropped out of college and married. He died in his twenties, leaving a widow and 4 children. George and Martha informally adopted Jacky’s two youngest children and raised them as their own.

According to writer and historian Ron Chernow, in his biography, Washington: A Life, Jacky acknowledged Washington’s love for him in a letter prior to his passing. He wrote,

“It pleased the Almighty to deprive me at a very early period of life of my father, but I cannot sufficiently adore His goodness in sending me so good a guardian as you, Sir. Few have experienced such care and attention from real parents as I have done. He best deserves the name of father who acts the part of one.” [Emphasis added]

It is difficult not to be struck by the parallel of Washington’s assumption of the role of stepfather and his ascension to his roles in the founding of America.

Washington was nominated to serve as General and Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army by John Adams. He wrote to Martha,

“…I assure you, in the most solemn manner, that, so far from seeking this appointment I have used every endeavor in my power to avoid it, not only from my unwillingness to part with you and the Family, but from a consciousness of its being a trust too great for my Capacity…”

Just as becoming the stepfather of Jacky and Patsy was a necessary part of marrying Martha, becoming General of the Continental Army was essential to secure liberty and independence. The same was true of Washington becoming the first President. Washington wrote to Henry Knox,

"My movements to the chair of Government will be accompanied by feelings not unlike those of a culprit who is going to the place of his execution."

Of course, we know that Washington accepted the position of President and served two terms before stepping down.

What Washington taught us as a stepfather, general, and President is that reluctance, anxiety, lack of self-confidence, or fear of failure are not excuses for avoiding one’s duty. That is true in families, communities, and nations. It is true in Orange Mound, too.

The founding mothers and fathers of Orange Mound have long since passed from this life. Many of the generations who came after them left the neighborhood. Those still here, like the My Cup of Tea ladies, are in a fight for economic liberty, freedom from violence, and the pursuit of happiness.

They need our help.

Buying a box of our limited-edition Libertea; making a one-time or monthly donation; hosting a tea party; volunteering to bring lunch; or hiring a My Cup of Tea lady to work at your business are a few of the ways to revitalize Orange Mound and impact the lives of the My Cup of Tea ladies.

Stepfather (or mother) or general, pray about how you can stand in the gap for Orange Mound and the ladies of My Cup of Tea.